Defy Gravity

So. I'm leaving in a week.
Scared? No. Sad? No. Excited? OH MY JESUS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I have a lot coming my way this fall, and I think it'll be a true test to see just how much little Kimmy can step it up and get it togeth for the real world. I have about a billion auditions to get ready for, plus a wonderful school, fantastic people, great classes, and a brand new big girl apartment to decorate. No big. I think I'm pretty much set for all of them, but as far as theatre goes, well you can never be too sure. I'm just so ready for the challenge. I'm SO READY FOR AUSTIN. The city is amazing, it really is. It has a special excitement that seems to beckon young adults into exploration and discovery. It has an energy, an aura that fills us with excitement and a demand for action. And I can't wait to take that energy and turn it into production of art or love or a peaceful understanding. I am so blessed. I am the luckiest girl in the world---to go to a great school in the middle of an amazing city to do what I love...all of the tools have been handed to me on a silver platter...now it's up to me to use them in the best way. And honestly, I can't wait to do that.

One week. That's it :)

"Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high defying gravity"

"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge? Never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay....what do you say?"

"We're coming to the edge, running on the water, coming through the fog your sons and daughters... Let the river run, let all the dreamers wake the nation, come, the new Jerusalem."

"And in time we will all be stars"

"Today is a GREAT DAY!!"
K

forever.

I havent blogged in awhile. I know all like... three of my readers have missed me. But alas, I have been a busy little worker bee in the ice cave we call the Arkansas Repertory Theatre. Seriously, I have never worn this much clothing in the summer. It might as well be upstate New York at Thanksgiving it's so cold in there. Anywho (which isn't even a real word, but I like saying it anyway!) I'll only be in this humid state for abotu ten more days and then it's back to the real world. But a wonderful real world it is. Like the true Picean (and impatient a.d.d. child) that I am, I am constantly looking forwrd to the next big chapter in my life.

Things Kimberley is looking forward to:
AUSTIN.
Daily Yoga
BETSY CLAIRE.
Balcony Breaks
True Blood Marathons
Painting Party with Aly
THE DEN.
Winship Women, Brockett Boys- I love all of you so effing much.
Three Penny Auditions
National Theatre Convention Auditions
Dance with Natasha
Show choir (yes. i AM that much of a nerd.)
Whole Foods adventures
Having a kitchen
Fall Fashion
The Winship building
Texas Expresso meetings
West Campus
SLEEPING IN PAST 7 IN THE DANG MORNING.

Yep. I have a biiiig year ahead of me. But it's a wonderful life, and these are all amazing opportunities.

My boss was talking to some of the munchkins the other day, and brightly told them "Guys, joy is a choice. Let's make today a great day." What a great way to live your life. Joy is a choice. For years I have said, "choose joy," but I don't think I implemented it each day like I wanted to. Now, I have decided that joy really is my decision...I can control the way I feel about my day from the moment I wake up...what better way to wake up than full of joy?

I really do live a blessed life. There's so much pain and controversy in the world right now...and my biggest concern is my online spanish class and what kind of smoothie I'm going to make for breakfast. Dang. Let's pray for those struggling right now. Everything going on with Obama, the Middle East, the oil spill, Prop 8.....struggle everywhere. And our generation is the one that has to pick up the pieces. Well what the hell are we supposed to do??? Dang adults. They should choose joy too.

I'm kind of an adult now. I've been kind of an adult for two years..I technically have 6 more months until I'm really an adult, and then a few more years until I'm a fully grown woman like paying for myself and everything...I'll be like...a REAL PERSON. But that's scary and we won't talk about that.

So about this move I'm supposed to make in ten-ish days....and the clothes all over my floor...and all the other stuff I have to do....it's all worth it for Austin.
:)

love life
K

hurm.

too tired for grammar or sentence structure. lists instead.

my brain right now:

life is wonderful.
I am so sleepy.
This bed topper does not fit my bed properly
life is interestingly dark and twisty and bright and spacious
people make or break your day...why? shouldn't it be up to you?
you can't control how other people act, but you can control your reaction
my face is very expressive
i like laughing about something better than being mad about it
choose joy
do right
spread love
chamomile tea withs teamed milk is delicious
children are artists
innocence reads well
pink sweatpants make me feel cozy
sometimes i long for winter
running...i miss you
12 hour work days can be awesome and horrible
mmmm pei wei....
coffee...you save me
someone just give me an iv with a caffeine drip. seriously, it would be the best option at this point.
boys.....you are still kind of dumb. no offence.
i want to watch these movies He's Just Not That Into You, Mean Girls, Gone With The Wind, The Sweetest Thing.
why yes. I would like a cookie.
i am waking up in six hours.
red bull shall be ingested in seven hours.
my nerves killed my manicure today.

love life.
hug it out.
get on the bus.
step it up.
get it girl.
K

Holy Mother.

Performers are really special people. We hurt the most, we love the most, we give the most, and we take the most. Sometimes we forget that it's not all about us and our part in the show, but its actually a team effort...I think that's a really important lesson for kids to learn going into this business. Casting day brings a lot of joy and a lot of pain..but life always goes on. We learn lessons and build bridges and work past it...that's the only way to grow, to become all you can be.

Right now I'm working at The Rep, running ragged and trying to be the best assistant I can be...but wow...I had no idea what it takes to put on a show AND love your cast as much as these people do. The entire staff is amazing. AMAZING. They love the performers and each other more than anything I have ever seen....they CARE about feelings and egos and everything...talk about wonderful training. Talk about spreading LOVE.

"I know I will always have a job...because love knows no boundaries." -Conly Basham

So much thinking....My brain hurts. So much joy....My smile machine hurts. So much caffeine.....My sweet tea drinking muscles hurt. So much pride.......My hugger hurts.

I LOVE THIS. I never thought directing would be a career option for me. But these kids..their passion for performing radiates from every pore on their little faces...it melts my heart. I am so in love with every single member of this cast....and there's almost 60 of them. I'm sitting outside the vocal rehearsal right now, and seriously they sound like pros. It's ridiculous. I always said I could never ever teach high school theatre after I'm done performing, but I realize now that I could DEFINITELY do a program like this. But what if I'm never done performing? That's a question for 30 year old Kim....I'll let you know in ten years.

Ten years seems forever away, but it's really not...I can remember five years ago, and how I thought I was so grown up and knew everything. But time flies so fast...I'm looking at some angels I met five years ago...my angel Stacy is so beautiful and grown up and I cannot even fathom that she will be a rockette in a few years....I met her with shy eyes and braces. Some of the people in this theatre are the future faces of Tony Winners. Really amazing talent.

Now their singing Oh Happy Day.....heart- melting.

Love you Victorya and Libby...... this is for you.

This show is for all the people who love performing and listening and seeing and believing and ART. These kids are ARTISTS, true and true.

SPREAD LOVE.
K

clicked.

As humans, we come into contact with so many people throughout the day. Whether romantic, hostile, beneficial, toxic, or professional, we have no idea where these meet-cutes will go. Think back to when you didn't know someone important in your life...now think where you are now. Can you think of where you would be, how your life would have turned out if you had never met them? It's interesting to think about how relationships begin, evolve, and sometimes end completely. I understand why some end, even though at the time I didn't want them to...but I can't fathom never beginning several of mine...it seems tragic. Sometimes we think "I wish I had never even met (insert name)." But if we didn't...we wouldn't be the same person we are. The people around us and our experiences with those people shape us as people...we all have a constant influence on one another.
Sometimes people click, and sometimes they don't. Those that click should never let each other go, because at the end of the day...that's all there is to hold onto. You, your love, and God.
Everything happens for a reason.
There's a reason I have two homes.
There's a reason I love so many special people.
There's a reason I don't sleep at night.

K

don't worry, be happy

Whenever something bad happens, just know that something good will happen soon. I like to call it the balance of fortune. Life is mysterious, and sometimes it throws some twists and turns at you, but what you must remember is that something better is always out there, waiting for you to come along and happen upon it. I believe that everything happens for a reason....we meet people for a reason, we take certain opportunities and leave others for a reason. We all go down our own prospective paths and at one time or another, those paths collide. What a beautifully intricate web we weave together.

Don't worry, be happy :)

Today is a good day. Although I have lots and lots to do, I'm in a great mood for some odd reason, so I imagine that this day will pass with a smile on my face and faeries dancing around my thoughts. List to do today: pass spanish quiz (ehhh), organize things and be a good assistant (alphabetizing...hell yeah), go work my butt off at the gym (to "I Can Transform Ya," no judging), clean out my car (still has last week's stilettos in the trunk), and learn how to make a steak salad (why yes, I CAN cook :)).

I miss my winship women so much. I feel like I have multiple sets of friends...my "home friends" and my "austin friends"...but when does Austin become home? After all, I spend the majority of the year out there. I've already absentmindedly started referring to it as "home," which is weird and wonderful at the same time. It's hard loving a place so far away....you're always missing something. My heart is spread everywhere all the time.

Back to life
my wonderful, fabulous, spontaneous life
K

:)

Anybody in the mood for some song lyrics? You? Oh yay!!

You´re better then the best
I´m lucky just to linger in your life
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow that´s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Lets me know that it´s ok yeah it´s ok
And the moments when my good times start to fade
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a beeJust the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile
Even when you´re gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile
Don´t know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile
Ohh you make me smile
Ohh you make me smile

lazy night at home...time for a survey!

81 Things You Didn't Know About Me Until You Read This:

1. What Color Is Your Toothbrush? Teal
2. Name People That Made You Smile Today: My mom, a few of my friends.
3. What Were You Doing At 8 Am This Morning? sleeping
4. What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago? Making tea.
5. What Is Your Favorite Candy? Raisinettes :))
6. Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club? No!
7. What's the last thing you said out loud? "Love you too!"
8. What Is The Best Ice Cream Flavor? Vanilla and Oreos
9. What Was The Last Thing You Had To Drink? Orange chamomile tea :)
10. What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping? Two days...like fri, fri night, sat...crashed saturday night.
11. Have You Ever Made a Promise You'd Die to Keep? Yes
13. The Last Sporting Event You Watched? Baseball! College World Series!!!
14. What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn? I like the smell better than the taste.
15. Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message to on Facebook? Colbert :)
16. Ever go camping? Yep.
17. Do You Take Vitamins Daily? Biotin, ginseng, and calcium.
18. Do you like to be outside? Yes!
21. Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw? I don't drink soda really, but when I do, yes.
22. What Did Your Last Text Message say? ":) goodnight my love!"
24. Where Is Your Dad? sleeping.
25. Look To Your Left, What Do you see? My vanity.
26. What Color Is Your Watch? I don't have a watch.
28. What did you do yesterday? Went antiquing with my mom.
29. Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru? I don't do fast food.
30. What Is Your Favorite Number? 21. hehe.
31. Who's The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone? Bwidget!!
32. Any Plans Today? Tomorrow- work, gym, tanning, class. yuhh.
34. Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now? Not being able to fall asleep until 2 a.m.
35. Last Song Listened To? Sour Cherry, by the Kills.
36. Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards? Doubtful.
38. Favorite Pair Of Shoes You Wear All The Time? Black Bini ballet flats
39. Are You Jealous Of Anyone? Isn't everyone jealous of someone else?
40. Is Anyone Jealous Of You? See above answer.
41. Do You Love Anyone? Of course.
43. What Do You Usually Do During The Day? See answer to #32.
44. Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now? Hate is a very strong word....
45. Do You Use The Word 'hello' Daily? Yep
46. Something you love to do, but don't have time to? Go rock climbing!
47. Do you like cats? LOVE.
48. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags? Who hasn't??
49. How Did You Get Your Worst Scar? Getting stabbed in the leg with an ice skate when I was 7.
50. Last big talk? Last weekend.
51. Last Cd Played? People still play CDs???
52. Last Bubble Bath? ooh....add that to #46.
54. Last Meal? about 5 hours ago.
55. Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice? Yes.
57. Have You Ever Fallen In Love? Yes.
58. Have You Ever Lost Someone? Yes.
59. Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm? A few times.
60. Have You Met A Famous Person? Not super famous.
61. List Five People You Can Tell Pretty Much Anything To? Mom, Betsy, Aly, Marjorie, Ashlee.
62. List Three Favorite Colors/shades: Teal, Cream, anything metallic.
63. Laughed Until You Cried? Of course!!
64. Ever went behind your parents back?.......
66. Opinion on Gay Marriage? If two people love each other, they should be together.
67. Lowering The NO Drinking Age? LOWER IT.
69. Who Are The Best Huggers That You Know? Most boys give great hugs when they want to.
70. do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in instant connections.
71. Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone? Sure?
73. Would You Kiss Someone On Your Top Friends? What?
74. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have? 2 tops.
75. Do You Want To Change Your Name? No.
76. Last Time You Saw Your Father? At dinnaaaa
77. What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 10:30ish
78. How Old Are You? 20
79. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night? Watching a movie
80. What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room? My vanity mirror.
81. Where is your best friend(s)? Austin, Little rock, houses, apartments, bars, Chicago, France, clubs, stores, forests, castles, stages, and dreams :)

paragraphs floating through the mind.

For the past few days I've been really focusing on decorating my new space...the den. My first "big girl" apartment. It's interesting how much money and time I am willing to spend to make something look just the way I want it. As a pisces, I am very influenced by the environment in which I am placed, and it is very important to me that I love the space in which I reside. I already love the den, but decorating my room...everything that goes into it...it's exhausting. I've been antiquing, shopping, browsing, haggling, budgeting, imagining, drawing, planning, and creating this area for weeks and it's finally all coming together. I don't move for another two months but once my job picks up a bit more, I'll have absolutely no time to think about the move. It's interesting that humans will spend so much energy on "sprucing" things up. I care way too much. Just something I've been up to.

All weekend, I've been without internet access. And it wasn't terrible. I thought I would die. Everytime I thought, "Oh I can look that up real quick!" and got dissapointed...I remembered things like the phone book and the home phone...all the information you need is right there. The internet is a wonderful thing, but good grief today's society is completely obsessed. I mean, look at me right now..I'm in a coffee shop/ internet cafe, blogging about the internet on the internet, when I should be doing homework on the internet, staring at other people who are working/playing on the internet...our world is technology obsessed. I feel like I am going to implement a "internet free day" once a week when it doesn't interfere withs chool or work and see how that plays out.

Coffee is a wonderful thing. It really does the trick. Just in case you didn't know. It works so much better than tea. Although I love tea and I don't want to hurt it's feelings, coffee is just so wonderful in the morning. Freshly ground whole bean hazlenut coffee to be exact. If you don't know what this magic bliss tastes like...I feel bad for you. Go get some and a coffee grinder (yeah I know, a little extra work...) and get to it. You won't be sorry.

I like cooking...and creating foods. Yesterday I made the best cheese dip ever. No I will not post the recipe because it is a secret and I kinda just want everyone to fawn over it before I publish it. It is delicious...and sets taste buds on fire. My mom gave me a few cookbooks to take to the den. I feel like there are lots of kitchen adventures ahead.

living, loving, and always looking up.
K

Egg White Omelette

Ah, life. Aren't you interesting? You throw us these twists and turns and try to get us to veer off the path...but you're not going to get me that easily. Go with the flow. Take it easy. Let the universe decide. Don't stress. Give it to God. I finally understand what all of these things mean and I am LOVING the results. I love life right now, twists and all. And it keeps getting better and better.

I'm making some big changes this summer...or trying to. I'm attempting to rejuvinate my mind, body, and soul in order to prep for this crazy life ahead. Home is a good place for that I think. These are good changes though...cooking more, having three vegetarian days a week, sticking with actual organization in my life, and for the first time in almost 6 years, I am without a man in this lil' town I call home. Feels weird (liberating) to be here by myself, but I'm liking being with just me a lot more than I expected. I love being happy.

Now for some much needed sleep :)

"Isn't life grand?"
K

p.s. xoxo

p.s.s. egg white omelettes= amazing.

statements, lists, facts, events. life.

Go to the nearest park in the middle of the night. Lay in the middle of the pavement and look up. Look at all the stars. Breathe.
I don't enjoy being by myself.
I feel the best when I'm dancing.
I like sweating.
Sarcasm is one of my favorite qualities in a man.
If you can make me laugh...really, really giggle...you're golden.
Hot tea is wonderful at night.
Humidity is good for your skin, bad for your hair.
Church is amazing.
GOD is amazing.
I believe that when a young person dies, for what seems like a horribly unfair reason, something worse was coming, and God chose to bring them home where they could know nothing but joy instead.
I hope to have a relationsip like the people in Everybody Loves Raymond when I'm older. They really are a cute couple.
Chocolate heals.
So does neosporin.
For some reason, I don't think that little 14 year old lifeguard would be able to save my life.
I hate online spanish classes.
The Rep is one of my favorite places. I can't help but smile when I walk in the building, just from the smell and the memories it holds for me. It's nice to be back.
My mom is incredible.
Life is wonderful.
Summer is phenomenal.
Dance in the rain.
Contentment in oneself is freeing.
LOVE LIFE.

Let your soul fly free, let that spirit shine for all to see.

I have a wedding on Saturday...I do love weddings :)
K

oh...oh hey :)

The casual, "Oh hey." It's my go-to greeting. Any person that knows me will surely recognise this, because it always works in every situation. You got the traditional happy, "Oh HEY!" when you havent seen someone for awhile, you're meeting someone, etc. You got the sassy gay friend "OH HAYYY!" where you move your oversize Marc Jacobs and go in for very ostentatious air-kisses (oh yeah...like in Europe. wink.). You got the sarcastic i-waited-for-you-forever-why-the-eff-aren't-you-begging-for-forgiveness-at-my-royal-stillettos-now-im-pursing-my-lips-and-killing-you-with-my-stare "oh hey." when you're friend runs late or you're pissed at someone. And lastly, you have the ever-so casual, ever-so deceiving, "Oh...hey" where you have no idea what I really mean. But when I put a smiley face next to it, via texting, facebook chat, or...GASP...I accompany the "oh hey" with a real life, not virtual smile.... now THAT means something. It means I'm happy to see you/talk to you....it means I would like to see you/talk to you, but we're gonna be casual about it. After all, I hate to make a scene. :)

Technology is ruining relationships. Not just boyfriend/girlfriend, we-already-say-i-love-you relationships, but every relationship that hasn't been fully established. Texting is GREAT when you're in class, a loud concert, or a library, or pretty much any situation where talking on the phone is not accepted...but seriously, what ever happened to CALLING someone? Now when I meet a guy, it's "I'll text you tomorrow.".......Wow. Smooth. I'm swooning inside, can you tell? Men who might actually read this....call your girls. It takes actual effort, I know, but we would LOVE if you would call us to say "Hi" or see what we're doing next weekend, or anything you might text us about. Texting is SO impersonal. Like, I'm so sorry if I'm not totally in lust after you send me a text saying, "Yo." YO?? Seriously? And the saddest part is that millions of girls just wait and wait on that stupid text. We used to wait for calls, now we wait for one word text messages that only imply he's too big of a pansy to pick up the dang phone and have somewhat of an intelligent conversation with a pretty girl. Oh and texting has completely recvolutionized the booty call. It is now a booty text. And what does it mean when you text someone all day? What does it mean when you stop texting that someone? The lines have officially been blurred even more. Us single girls now have even more reasons to be confused. Great job, technology.

xoxo
K

choices

When God closes one door, he opens another. I have to remember that.

Today I'm leaving Austin for the next three months, and it's weird....I feel like I'm leaving home and going home at the same time. This place used to be like camp, super fun and awesome, but I was always ready to go home...because that's where I was raised. But as humans, we nest, and we create homes for ourselves wherever we go. Austin has become my second home...or my new one...which is better? Having a new home, which implies that you've left the old one, or a second home, which implies that you have a first one somewhere else, even though 3/4 of the year is spent at your second one? College isn't like camp anymore. When I first got there, that's literally what it felt like. Now it's like a way of life, something that I know will end, like high school, but it seems like it won't ever really get there. In two years I'll leave this place, and go to a new one. A scary, busy place without sweet tea and southern sunsets. Or maybe not. You never know.

I was asked the other day, "where do you see yourself in five years?" I couldn't answer. My life is a blank slate, it can go so many ways. On one hand I can see marriage, a picket fence, a puppy, and steady pay. On the other I can see art, warehouse lofts, cosmos, and starvation. Yet again I can see sun, a townhouse, a cat, and a dance studio on an incline. It's all an option. No doors are closed to us at this time. All my life I've only given myself one ooption-NYC. Now, I'm glad that I can step back and say, "Okay. I can do any of these. What do I really want?" I've got two years to find that answer.

My angel, my energy, my love.
K

p.s. IT IS SUMMER. Prepare for lots of happy posts. :)

almost there

Finals start tomorrow. I have three, one right after the other. Bam. Bam. Bam. 7-10 p.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Spanish, Lit, and CHEMISTRY. Mother of God. If I was pregnant I would slip into labor. If I had a cholesterol problem I would have a heart attack. Just saying...
I'm a theatre major...I'm not equipped to handle so many final exams in one week. On top of that, I had like a bazillion tests and papers and whatnot last week. Who invented final exams? Like didn't I already get tested on this stuff? I did okay, why should I have to prove myself yet again? The teachers don't want to grade anymore, the students don't want to study anymore, why can't UT just let us be US and be FREE?
But alas, it is what it is. And I have tasks in front of me and like the strong-willed Wilson offspring that I am, I will accept the challenge, push through it, and then enjoy the bliss that follows...summer. Ah yes, my favorite thing (except Christmas) as you may have guessed form how much I've been writing on it lately.
I need to focus. Three more days of focusing. I got this....right?
I'm trying not to be so distracted. And it's all your fault san diego.

Did you know that it is possible to slip into a stress-induced coma?

I'm ready.
Ready to be home, to laugh and run and play and throw my stress out the window. Ready to be with family and old friends. Ready to be silly. Ready to embrace. Ready to spend some time with loved ones. Ready to embark on this journey. Ready to explore my home as a (practically) adult woman instead of the girl I left with. I'm not ready to leave this place, to be further away from new friends, to lose you. But I am ready to jump. I want to make this leap of faith, but I can't yet. It's going to take me months...or years...to actually do it.

But oh well, back to schoolwork.

Song lyrics in a sec,
K

oh, here they are:
:)

Say goodnight and go Skipping beats, flashing jeeps I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me every time
Why'd you have to be so cute It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Follow you home You've got your headphones on And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot You're taking everything off Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine Flicking through the TV Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone
Oh why'd you have to be so cute It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
One of these days You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go
Why'd you have to be so cute It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Why is it always, always Goodnight and Go
Goodnight and Go!

denied

Wow. Wowwwwww. What a life.
Denial is a funny thing. We deny realities almost everyday, or at least I do. Like now, for example- I'm denying the fact that my room isn't spotless, that I need to get up and go do a two hour workout, that it's finals week, and that life isn't filled with complications. Jus sayin.
BUT! I move home in six days. SIX. DAYS. That's insane. I'll be home for three months, loving life and doing what I'm best at--being in a theatre, dancing, loving, encouraging, helping, thriving, and LIVING. Waking up at 7 a.m. every day and going to a stupid spanish class is NOT living. Waking up at 7 a.m, making breakfast with my mom, driving in the sun and jamming out with my baby sis, running around the Rep all day, dashing to a jazz class, and going out with my best girls for a night of mayhem....THAT is living. And that's my summer. That would actually be a typical day. Plus riverfest, lake weekends, laying out, starbucks runs, shopping at the farmers market, running in the sprinklers late at night, getting home wayy too late, seeing old friends, sleepovers with Bridge, family dinners, driving with the windows down, ARKANSAS SUMMERS. What a life :)
Today, however, is a different story. Studystudystudy. SIGH.

Six days, three finals, one big move day,
K

P.S. also.....

You've got the best of both worlds. You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again. You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy And based on your body language, And shoddy cursive I've been reading. Your style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless. Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. Hey, what a beautiful mess this is...It's like picking up trash in dresses. Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write Kind of turn themselves into knives. And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction, But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear....'Cause here we are, here we are. Although you were biased I love your advice. Your comebacks they're quick, And probably have to do with your insecurities. There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these words I'm paraphrasing, this relationship we're staging. And what a beautiful mess, yes it is. It's like picking up trash in dresses. Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say Kind of turn themselves into blades. And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard, But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt. Cause here, here we are, Here we are. Here we are....We're still here. What a beautiful mess, this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes." Through timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth. And tides they turn and hearts disfigure, But that's no concern when we're wounded together. And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

great weekend. so great. gahh i love my friends. horrible end to the weekend, but that's a long story. this week is rough, I have way too much going on. oh, and I don't feel like capitalization today.
sooooooo I'm leaving Austin in 2 weeks. which I now realize is a good and bad thing...we'll see how this plays out. i'm being really ambiguous in this post. my showcase is thursday, super excited about that. i also have two tests, two papers, and three finals coming up, but whatever no big deal right?

stay classy san diego.
K

sighhh

I register for my junior year on Tuesday.

When did we grow up? My roommate brought up an interesting fact the other day. She said, "You know, it's funny how we aren't kids anymore...we're 20. We're on the way to middle ages and husbands and jobs. We actually have to grow up within the next ten years." Isn't that crazy? I'm halfway to 40. I'm halfway through college. In two years...I'm on my own (cue Les Mis underscore...plays until you finish reading this post.)

I wish life was like Glee and you could fix everything by singing about it. Or at least resolve some issues, make a strong decision, you know. As if I could just stop what I'm doing right this second and the whole universe could begin a perfectly choreographed pop song/ musical theatre number that has similar themes as my life right now. I love my life, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with the crappy parts.

I miss church. I miss having time to waste. I miss driving my car.
Three weeks left of school. Two papers, three exams, 21 days.

Good news: I got cast in a mainstage show...FINALLY. I'm super excited, it's a straight play, which is weird for me, but I'm going to continue my musical training as well. Now if I can just get through these next three weeks....it might kill me. Not even kidding I will be such a zombie by the end of this dang semester. Oh well....life is GREAT.

SOON. SUMMER. LOVE. DANCE. PLAY. LAUGH. GROW. GIVE.

I'm pumped :)

more lists

inside jokes can always be outside
mean girls quotes are still a crowd pleaser
since when is it okay to booty call someone over facebook?
you can be boy-crazy you're whole life.
i'm really into lists lately.
not so much into school...
sparklefish.
attitude changes everything.
you're always attached in some way, even if you don't want to be.
you can grow up and never mature.
stressing over something won't make the situation any better.
some people just change. some people won't even try to.
adventures.
not enough risk takers in this world.
life is beautiful.
have fun while you still can.
some pop artists really should not be famous (coughKeshacough)
people don't listen to each other anymore.
slow down.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave." -Sir Walter Scott

This weekend:

Don't Worry, Be Happy.
If they want ketchup and you got mustard, well you betta work that mustard because someone will need it soon.
What is the point of talking crap like that?
Oh my ga-UHH robot cholaaaaa.
Oh we definitely need to role play this one out.
Bee killing.
That's just mild bulemia. Only mild.
Can't even fit my arms around it.
You betta glow.
Tweeze my hair.
If I loved you.
Xoxo and we went shopping.

I love...

Aly, Chrissy, Katie, Betsy, Diego, Travis....all WW/BB.
my life.
my family.
my future den.
my city.
my sun.
my zeal.
my soon-to-be career. (my mustard)
my Lord.

Best weekend ever. Not even over.
Cast party tonight...Callbacks tomorrow and next week. In the words of FSCOT: "Let's GAT AT!"

I'm trying ot get in the writing mood. Despite my fabulous weekend, I do have a ton of homework to catch up on. Have I started it? Nope. Is it all going to be done Sunday? Yep. No I really should finish this paper today...but aren't weekends supposed to be for breaks? and FUN? Why yes, yes they are. :) The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and LIFE is all around us. Great friends, food, wine, everything just seems...right. Time to make some mint jasmine tea and curl up with my computer for a few hours of genius writing.

Quotes for today:

Take one from precious (and so dear to my heart because of "Look Who's Talking) Kirstie Alley..."Life. Lick it."

"XOXO AND WE'RE GOIN' SHOPPIN' AYYYY." - Aly Talley, Chrissy Shackleford. so much love.

To all of those who are worried about auditions/callbacks, relationships, classes, jobs, etc: "Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end what you get is so much better than what you wanted." -Anonymous

"In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away." - Shing Xiong

Callback.
Oh, you mean you didn't see enough of my in the 5 minute time slot of my audition where I nervously sang 20 bars and skidded through a little speech? Oh. Okay, cool. Callbacks are so much better than auditions. Auditions are just exhausting, you know? You prepare so many different pieces and warm up your body, voice, mind, etc and show up 30 minutes early and fill out form after form after form and then get in the room....and it's over in two seconds. But to get the callback...now THAT means you were special. A callback menas they payed special attention to you and you get a second chance at auditioning. That's the money shot right there. Now it's your job to convince them that they really really do love you.
List goes up at five.
Ohhhh the suspense.
K

really great song I found on my ipod the other day: "Risque" by Cute Is What We Aim For

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do when he can't get through?
Medically speaking you're adorable
And from what I hear you're quite affordable
But I like them pricey so exaggerate and t-t-t-t-t-t-trick me
Pretty please, just trick me. Pretty please...
I got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do when he can't get through?
I'm obsessed and stressed with this mess
I can't think of things to write down, to type down
And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is

Sounds pretty desperate to me. But it also sounds endearing, heartfelt, stricken, starved, passionate, deep, fun, flirty, conniving, scandalous, loving, true. All adjectives that us theatre kids adore. Have someone in mind?

Sitting outside of my chemistry class, wasting time listening to music when I should be doing homework...You know what I miss most? Summer. Driving around with my windows and sunroof down, singing at the top of my lungs to some great song with magnificent swells and beats like "Risque," letting the sun hit my face and the humidity rush into my car like steam out of a kettle. I miss the way my hair feels after I lay in the sun and let the chlorine from the swimming pool sink in, causing the most uncanny golden softness. I miss going out on the boat and jumping into the ice cold lake where the temperature of the water truly takes your breath away... praying a fish doesn't try to nibble off my toes. I miss dancing in the 3rd floor rehearsal room of the Arkansas Rep with zero air conditioning in the middle of July, sweating, smiling, and producing endorphins like you can't even imagine. I miss taking the kids I nanny to museums and movies and zoos. I miss going to movies at night just to feel the freezing cold air hit you in the dark. I miss sleeping with the fan on and the windows open, hearing the crickets and stillness of the heat at night. I miss watching my skin get darker and my hair get lighter in the sunlight. I miss the feeling of climbing to the very top of pinnicle and feeling the breeze hit you over all the treetops of Little Rock. I miss walking up and down the Rivermarket to find trinkets and visit friends at work. I miss riverfest, and the fair, and my home. I miss the smell of my car, and my kitchen, and my room. I miss calling 8000 friends and having an impromptu pool party. All of this is just within reach...only 5 short weeks...And I can guarantee that I WON'T MISS SCHOOL.

I think I have summer fever. Not that I hate UT or anything, I love it. I love my time here, it's wonderful, it's just right now it's so...stressful. And I'm ready for a hot, sticky, fun-filled summer where I can work on my craft and towards my passion rather than simply passing the next chemistry test. You know what I mean? I can spend real time with my old friends and family and really live every day exactly the way I want to live it. My job is amazing, my friends are incredible, and my parents are just...wow. And I only have to worry about one online class. Bliss. This semester is crazy. 20 hours?? What was I thinking? I guess sometimes you have to deal with things you don't want to. That's just how life is. But not anymore. Life is too short to waste your time. We should be enjoying and living and loving and laughing, not...complaining and stressing about things we can't change. Why can't everyone just be happy?

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?"- Thornton Wilder, Our Town

"So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil, feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil." Ingrid Michaelson, Starting Now

"Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day." Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference." Virginia Satir


"What if the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about?" Unknown

Great words to think about,
K

did you know?

Jasmine Mint tea is the best.
I would like to be Bridgitte Bardot.
My hair is naturally large and dark, dark brown.
I have twice the amount of clothes that will fit in both of my closets.
I always have my blackberry in pain sight.
Cottages are cozier than palaces.
I sing in public.
Lamb skin feels like soft cloth.
Betsy can make you laugh when you're at your saddest.
Everything gives you cancer.
Banana peels are not that slippery.
Electric cars really don't help with the pollution problem.
People will put you down whenever they get a chance.
Fake diamonds are just as pretty as real diamonds.
Summer is the happiest season.
We are so lucky to be here.
Our bodies are simply little hotels for our souls.
I want to be cremated when I die.
Sopranos have the best solos.
Smoking WILL kill you.
You can get sunburned through the clouds.
My nails are never done.
A kiss doesn't mean "I love you."
A hug does.
You can stress over stress.
Having one glass of wine a night is better than having 5 glasses on Saturday night.
The greatest thing to hold to in one another.
You can't take it with you.
Life is short.
Smiling is the prettiest thing you could do for your face.
Immaturity is the most unattractive thing about a man.
I feel the best when I'm dancing.
I love avocado.
Bugs are attracted to sweeter perfumes.
So are men.
Honey fixes a sore throat.
Being upset about something you can't change is a waste of time.
If you say something rude about someone, they usually find out.
Diet pills don't work.
Marilyn Monroe gives great advice.
Your parents, teachers, grandparents, mentors, and bosses really do know more than you.
The sun makes your brain produce seratonin.
I'm horrible at chemistry.
Compassion is not just a motherly quality, but a human quality.
There are five love languages....gifts, service, touch, words, and time.
I like touch and time.
Laughter is good for the soul and the abs.
No one can love you like Jesus.

Just things I'm thinking about.
K

busy busy bee

busy, busy, busy.
that's my week coming up. *sigh* actually, I haven't updated in awhile because I've been suck a busy little worker bee lately. newsflash to self: college just keeps getting more intense by the semester. I think I'm going to try to reverse that trend this fall, where I don't kill myself over 21 hours and 8 a.m. classes every day and a bazillion auditions and learning mountains of music and...oh, I'm just writing my own show. Can't say I'm like this huge martyr-driven overacheiver, just a busy, busy bee.

Why do people say that? "Busy bee?" Are bees busy? Honestly, that sounds dumb, but I think they just look busy. I don't think they actually are busy, they just exert so much energy from buzzing around so much. I think the busiest animal would be like a beaver or something...something that constantly hunts and nests and whatnot. Not really a bug...they don't seem to have very interesting lives.

Not to say that busy=interesting. Many a time it is quite the opposite. But right now, its keeping me semi-grounded, away from drama and other stupid goings-on, and makes the good times that much better. I love when everything seems so right...this weekend was like that (right before these insane weeks kick in). My parents visited, I spent time with great people, went to a great workshop, and oh I just freakin love Aly and Betsy. Like seriously, don't know what I would do without those women. Talk about destiny.

Destiny is interesting. I'm a believer. Predetermination is the coolest thing ever. Like God KNOWS what will happen to everyone every second of their lives. I wish there was some way we could know our destiny ahead of time, you know, so us college kids wouldn't have to be like, "AH!" all the time about what we're going to do after we get out of school. That would be great. But then I guess it would take out the mystery, and that's no fun.

This is such a random post. I think I'm super scatterbrained right now with all that's going on. At like 10 things are bopping around my head and I'm like "oh. I need to do that. crap." Don't you hate it when that happens? And then you can't sleep because you're stressed, and then you're mad because you really just need to sleep to prepare for all of these upcoming events, but you can't because your stressed AND pissed off....so you write a blogpost.

Trying to sleep,
K

favorites.

I have really great friends. Not just great friends, but a great FAMILY. A family to come home to, a group of people so amazing and unique and different and fun and trusting and loving and kind and hilarious and incredible that it just makes me sit back in awe at their beautiful spirits and how I could be so fortunate to know all of these wonderful people. So smart, so generous, so full of life. It's like coming home again. Home isn't really home without these people...which makes me wonder, can I ever make a new home? I mean, home is where the heart is...and your heart is with the people you love...so in that case, my home is in Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and New York? Or maybe they stay with you...so I have a little piece of them wherever I go, to make things easier. But then you go to a new place and make new friends, and when you separate...they're always with you. Your home never leaves you. Does that make sense? I guess it does to me.
Susie. Nicole. Hannah. Charity. Bridget. Conly. Ashley. Abby. Sophie. Lori. Katie. Kyle.
BETSY. Ashlee. Aly. Maggie. Lindsay. Audrey. Marjorie.

For you
K

growth

We all have too much on our plates. There's always something to finish, to start, to work on. There's papers. Books. Tests. Homework. Phone calls. Appointments. Meetings. Responsibility. How do we get it all done in one day? A lot of the time, we don't. We let things slip by in order to other things (for me, it's usually to sleep...) But we have to do what's important...A lot of people believe "we must prioritize our lives to so that we are successful." I say, we must prioritize our lives to be happy. What makes you happy? Is your life fulfilling you? Is all the daily junk that you deal with day after day REALLY working for you? Maybe it's time to prioritize.

These are mine:

1. God

2. Me

3. My family, friends, and loved ones

4. School

Yesterday I had about a thousand things to do, but I needed to take care of me first. Sometimes you just have to say "Enough!!" and make sure you're okay. I was stressed, homesick, and starved for refuge. So I spent some time in prayer, in meditation, and I just...relaxed. It did wonders. Then I spent a lot of time with some of my favorite people, had a great weekend, worked through some stuff, and I feel like a new woman today. Now I can take care of all the junk I have to do (like a Spanish midterm..ack.) A lot of people (mostly parents) would say that school needs to come first. But if I'm not okay, I won't be able to focus on anything having to do with school.

Are you doing okay? Is school getting to you? Or is it stress from a relationship? Stop and make sure you're okay, make sure they're okay, and talk to God about it. He always listens and constantly yearns for your words. Spring Break is just around the corner and it might be a great time to just chill yourself out and really dig deep into what makes YOU happy. Then do it. And get all your junk done.

Still loving life,

K.

HOL' UP.

I keep having these dreams about my future. I'm in this adorable little house, with my husband. The first one is where we are having a party with all of our friends, celebrating something and laughing for hours. I'm about 25 years old, somewhere in a little neighborhood, newly married. The second one was a little scarier....I'm in the same house a few years later, sitting at the kitchen table, grading tests...maybe lower school or middle school level. A little girl around three runs up to my legs and squeezes them tightly...she looks exactly like me. As I hug my daughter, I think out loud to my husband (who is cooking dinner) about what Bible verses I'm going to cover in small group next Sunday because I'm worried about one of the girls and her relationship. I glance down at my left ring finger as my husband gives me his ideas. I never see his face, but I know I am deeply, passionately in love with him, my job, my family, my church, my God, and my LIFE.

WAITJUSTAMINUTE. So...I'm married, with a daughter, teaching little kids, leading small group at a church, in a cute little house, in Suburbia, U.S.A...WHAT THE HECK.

I've always had dreams of stardom, or struggle to become the best, to sing my heart out. But now all I can think about is that future of a family and serving others through God and teaching.
I don't know if I'm in a funk or if I just don't know where I belong, but I know one thing...I was happy. So happy in my dream that I am seriously considering giving up my dream of Broadway to have a stable, healthy life with a family and money and all the things normal people have. (You see...there are theatre people, and there are normal people. That's just the way it is.) Of course I would never give up my passion and I'm sure I'll always be involved with it somehow, but maybe I'm not cut out to do the starving-artist thing. I mean, come on, a girl's gotta eat.

I think I'm growing up.
Crap.

K

no time

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

SPRING. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (That was a sigh of relief, folks.)

I haven't written in forever. I have no time. My life is one big multitask.
But it's still fabulous ;)
And SPRING is coming!!!! Which means SUMMER is coming!!!!!

......WHICH MEANS I GET MY LIFE BACK.

Oh, Spring Break. You save me.

I seriously think I have Vitamin D deficiency. The sun finally came out....I think my mood went from average to i-freaking-love-life at the exact same time.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. ~Doug Larson

MORE SOON. MUST GO AND WRITE PAPER.

love. flowers. sunshine.
K

I need a floatie.

I've never been a good swimmer. I always want a noodle, or a floatie of some sort. Especially in the ocean, which is big and unfamiliar and really, really... well, scary.

Life is kinda like that. Growing up is big and scary...We go into it by ourselves and unless we are freaking Michael Phelps... we can't do it alone. We swim around in an ocean of stress and school and bills and relationship problems and parents and sometimes, we just want to give up. We start to sink... we need support... we need floaties.

Sometimes you feel like you're drowning. This is one of those times.

God is my lifeguard right now, and I was stuck in the undertow, fighting Him all the way. I always do that. Last night was finally the breakdown I needed, where I just gave up, went limp, and let Him help me to safety. He gave me a floatie.

I'm giving it all to You Lord. I am trusting You like I know I should.

Why do I always think I have to do everything myself? Lately it's been overwhelming, hard to focus on anything, feeling out of control, too much, I can't handle it right now... And now, in the midst of my stress... there's an oasis. A refuge. A place to let go and say, "Thank you for helping me. I'm going to let you help me."

We do the best we can. With a little help from our friends... or a lot of help... whatever. That's what He's there for... to guide us, to forgive us, to love us. Let Him.

Now I feel supported, determined, able. It's amazing what a good cry and a prayer session will do.

Dori tells us, "Just keep swimming." That's what I'll do, but I won't forget that I have the best lifeguard ever, constantly swimming with me and wanting me to lean on Him for rest, refuge, support, etc.

God is everywhere and He wants your problems... give them up. He can handle it. Let Him be your floaties.

Swimming,

K

too soon

God took another one. He raised her and her father and sister up to Heaven for reasons we won't understand. Sometimes we don't always understand why things happen, but they do. We've lost two in our SMTI family in such a short period of time...it doesn't seem fair.

Bridget, baby- I know you've lost so many recently. But you have to know that God takes home people when they're supposed to go. Things happen and we can't find plausible reasons. As humans, we don't get it. Why Libby? Why Victorya? Why Alex? Why Rachel? One day we'll know why, and we'll rejoice with them. My heart is with you, I love you so much.

People die every day. But instead of thinking they die, I think they reach a glorious destination. And while we suffer our losses and cry jealous tears, we have to give them to God. They are absolutely ecstatic to be in the arms of Jesus and we'll join them when it's time.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

---Eskimo Proverb

Thinking of Rachel, Victorya, Papa, Mr. Richard, Libby, Alex, Grandaddy, Grandma: see you when I see you. Love you.

K

enough.

Some girls never know when enough is enough. I passed this girl the other day on the way to my class...now that's not to say I'm being all lesbian or whatever, I just noticed how tan her legs were, instantly got jealous, and had to look at the rest of her. She should have been beautiful. In her natural state, I'm sure she's gorgeous...but she just tried so dang hard. Her hair was so blonde it was almost white. Her skin looked like it belonged to a carribbean woman who works on the boat docks every day. And her size? Maybe a negative ten. When is enough really enough? We all suffer from insecurities, like, "Oh I'm too fat" or "I'm so bad at school," or "He won't like me because____." That is SAD. I constantly have friends telling me to love myself from who I am, and I want to pass along the message. There are too many girls that sit there and compare themselves to airbrushed pictures of Heidi Klum and it's just sickening. Tanning alone is the WORST. It's CANCEROUS yet we still lay in those little beach pods every day trying to be sun-kissed and gorgeous...in twenty years, our skin is gonna look like rubbery, wrinkly, cowhide...oh, and just the huge risk of skin cancer..no big. Is it enough yet? Throwing up all of our food because we aren't a size zero...the lining of our esophagus and throat..distroyed. Is it enough yet?

What about healthy, happy, fun, natural beauty? Do you really want to look as skanktastic as Meagan Fox? God made us as we are...and loves us as we are. One of my friends told me last year, when I was feeling really low, "You are the crown creation..." and she's right. God made women to be the most beautiful and precious thing on this planet. Let's agree with him.

The founder of Buddhism once said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Kudos, Prince Siddharta.

love me,

love you.

K

...oops.

Soooooo I'm dumb. I'm not deleting it because I feel that I was honest and raw, I said a lot of things about friendship that I was feeling at the moment. This blog was meant to serve as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when I cannot use performance as an outlet...I forget that anyone and everyone can see it. I want to correct something. The phrase "I want nothing to do with these people" or whatever I wrote in the heat of the moment is entirely NOT true. I love them. I care so much about them. Both of them. I will always love them and care for them as if nothing ever happened. I was angry, and what I really meant to say was, "I don't want anything to do with the HURT...the situation...or the drama....surrounding this group of people." Notice the subject in the sentence, "I'm dealing with a hurt centered around a group of people that I want absolutely nothing to do with" is HURT. not group of people. I say "group," I mean "two of the most loved and loving friends I have ever had." I am just so sick of the drama. Seriously, I think everyone is. But we're moving on, getting past whatever weirdness might be occurring. And it's okay. This can't last forever...we're better than that, I hope. People make mistakes. The real test of a friendship is whether or not it's worth it to try to repair it, to forgive...I love you both.

Lesson of the week: Don't blog when enraged. (DUMBEST IDEA EVER.)

Lesson of the day: Forgiveness equals love. On both sides.

Lesson of the year: Think before you act....ahem.

The previous post was also to address friendship in general...how some people just completely disregard one another and how hurtful that can be. Not just with my life and my situation, but the rudeness of the world in general. What kind of friend do you want? Why is it okay to hurt your friends? It's not, and it sucks...but you move past it, right? I guess I was not as articulate in my outpoor of frustration when I talked about the low quality of friends these days. What I truly failed to mention, however, is that I have some of the most incredible friends on the planet...those people know who they are.

I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you, Please forgive me, This is stupid

Meow.
K

P.S. Another tidbit.... Trust is key in good friendships. Let's get that back, shall we?

Like a Lily Allen Song

She really says it all, doesn't she? I wish I could say things like that...I think I'm too nice. I don't think I have ever been as furious as I was the other night. It overwhelmed me. Still trying to move past that, I guess.

I wish people could believe in people.
I wish people could trust people.
I wish friends knew how to be friends.
I wish life was as easy as a Lily Allen song, as if we all could say, "whatever" and move on.

But life isn't like that. When we get hurt, it stings for awhile. Even though we know we'll eventually submit to that incredible power of forgiveness and humble ourselves in the end, it stings. We ask ourselves, Why would this ever happen to me? Maybe its Karma. Maybe it's a lesson....I am a big believer in that whole saying, "Everything happens for a reason..." and I know that everything God gives you is either a blessing or a test. But which is it? A blessing or a test? What's the reason? I guess it's up to us to decide.

But for now, we try not to think about it, try to diffuse the ticking agitation bomb that pokes at the back of our psyche, until something can be resolved. We try to do the mature thing...or the right thing...or something, anything to move past this horrible awkward stage. I've hurt people before, and to those that I have hurt, I'm sorry. People have hurt me before, and to those that have hurt me, it's okay (or it will be...).

Why do people hurt each other?

I wish people would think before they act.
I wish people would stop hurting other people.

We can't be perfect. That's for sure. People screw up...stuff happens. It's not Leave It To Beaver...and It's not the end of the world.

I'm dealing with some hurt that centers around a certain group of people that I honestly want nothing to do with. We used to be a family. Now we're like this weird cess pool of drama and irritation. It seriously kills me to see our family fall apart.

But, unfortunately, sometimes relationships change for the worse. It just happens. It sucks, but it happens.

Still loving.

K

step.up.down.around.

I think its really interesting how people deal with their problems. I just wanted to breifly touch on how different individuals deal with things. Some people step up, overcome, or bounce back. Some people act like it's the end of the world and God is punishing them. Some people try to avoid it all together, pretend it'll go away by itself. What's the right thing to do? Is it too small of an issue to even bring up, so you let it build up inside you until you finally explode? Is it this mountain of a tragedy that you can't possibly grasp and so you have a nervous breakdown and everything is a soap opera? Do you accept whatever has happened, deal with it, move on, and continue your life? I hope the latter. I try to step up, not down or around. Of course, we all have those low points, crying in our closets or yeling at loved ones, but honestly, doesn't it always get better? Isn't life a gift, instead of something that happens to you? Small problems shouldn't be the end of the world. A bump in the road doesnt define you. A failure or a stumble doesn't make you who you are. Why can't people understand that? I mean, look at the people in Haiti. THEY are the brave ones here. These people have nothing, and their tryin to bounce back from a major disaster that has severly hurt their lives, taken people away from them, destroyed their homes. But look at the spirit out there...trying to overcome this MASSIVE obstacle. How amazing....some people will cry for hours over somethign so trivial, act like every little thing is this horrible occurence. It could always be worse. Always. I think everyone, at some point, will or has stepped up, down and around their problems. Low points are okay. We learn from them, from our mistakes. Without them, how would we have high points? But high points are the best. Think about where we're stepping....up....towards God? He LIFTS us there if we give our problems to Him. You know the song, "Raise me up?" I think about that song when I'm low. He does raise me up...higher than you can imagine. And eventually, He'll raise me to Heaven where there are no earthquakes or broken hearts, no deaths, no injuries, no failed tests or fights with friends....no pain....no low points.

Pray for yourself and for strength. Pray for others and for bravery. Pray for understanding, compassion, love, support. There's always hope in the arms of God.


Thank you, Lord, for every second of my life, even if a few of those precious moments are met with heartache, tears, or pain.

For those having a hard time today:
"Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the peak of the summit." -Dianne Westlake

K <3

peace and blessin's

The beach is so peaceful in the winter. When my dad first brought the idea up at dinner a few months ago, I smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be fun, Dad..." But I secretly thought, What are we ever going to do at the beach when it's that cold? Okay, whatever. After pondering it, I decided it woul dbe really nice to get away and just hang out with family, spend some quality time with the folks...you know. But actually, I've found myself adopting a whole new attitude on my upcoming semester...and life in general, I guess.

The beach is a place for relaxation, rejuvination, and reflection. That absolutely holds true in the winter...

I wake in the mornings around 10 a.m. and see no one on the beach. The sun blares on the snow-white sand just outside of my penthouse balcony but the weather man speaking in the background tells me that the temperature is barely touching 35 degrees. Burr. I tend to hide from cold weather, as I am one of those girls who lives for the sun's rays and warm, tropical weather... But something about the quiet beach, the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline...it's healing.

Yesterday morning, I joined my mother out on our giant balcony that overlooks the private beach. She was wrapped up in blankets, reading...listening to the waves and quiet marine powers. I looked down at the blinding sand seven stories beneath us and noticed a woman carrying something tiny, wrapped up in a pink cloth. I immediatly though, "Awww baby's first beach trip!" but I was mistaken. No sooner had she set foot on the sand than a small, yellowish puppy leapt out of the towel and onto the fresh fluff. He bounded around and barked loudly, clearly excited about his new discovery of land. This was a puppy that was barely a month old, if that...and he was loving every minute of his nature experience. I wish we could all be that excited about our experiences. To love every minute of something new, to really take in each moment and each day as if it were our first time discovering, breathing, living it to the very utmost joy we possibly could. I hope I can do that in the future, especially when something gets me down.

I encourage all families to take less-than exciting trips together. It really helps you grow closer...and you begin to appreciate the small stuff...like that tiny baby puppy who loves every minute of his life :)

Appreciating everything God has gladly given me.
K

put a ring on it

"Although we adore men individually, we agree that as a whole they are rather stupid." -Mary Poppins

Not so much stupid...just complicated. Or maybe it's not men...maybe it's love that's complicated. How do you know when you're truly in love? How do you know when something that seems so wonderful will just...erupt? You try and try to pick up the ashes and collect the tattered pieces of a love you once knew but no matter what you do, you can't forget the explosion...you're torn. How do you know when you're giving up an oppertunity to be with the love of your life? You start to grow up, to realize a true reality that is harsher than any infatuation can possibly mask...but the burn from the red hot hurt still fires away at your heart...that's dramatic, I know. But so many of us feel it everyday.

It should be simple. It should be just like the hit Beyonce song, "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it." But it's not simple at all. The person you like never likes you, and there's always someone interested that you couldn't even imagine being with. But somehow, God places two people in the same place at the same time, and they find a perfect love together that only He could create...those people found it, why can't the rest of us?

Chasing love is possibly the stupidest thing a person can do. If you chase it, you'll chase it right down the dark alley of rejection, and you'll never find what you;re looking for. I guess we should let true love find us. It found me once...I'm hoping I'm not too lost and it can find me again.

In the meantime, we date around, figure out what we want in a a life partner, break a few hearts, shed a few tears, take a deep breath, and on to the next one. Isn't that just so exhausting? Hurting each other over and over again? We fall into infatuations only to find out that the feelings of lust and excitement are nowhere near as firey as we would like them to be...either on his side or yours. This is a great quote from the famous book (which EVERY GIRL NEEDS TO READ), He's Just Not That Into You:

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

SO TRUE. And so sad. But as women, we want to be wanted. We want to be taken care of and obsessed over, making sure that the men in our lives appreciate us and want to constantly be around us. But if you press this issue, they'll run away...far, far away. So is the trick to pretend to not care? Should women just simply act apathetic towards the male race and turn the chase around? It is said that men love to chase women, and women love to be chased...so how come there are so many poor girls runnign after players all over the world? Can you say desperate? We should find men that want to chase us, that want us to be around them 24/7, not constantly obsess over the next text, tweet, facebook message, or any other insencere form of communication that the sick bastard might possibly send at 12 a.m. for a quick booty call. SO NOT WORTH IT.

I guess all we can do is love ourselves and those around us, and stop worrying about the stupid men that refuse to accept our affections. Why be desperate when you can be fabulous in your own world? Forget about him. Love your life. Don't worry about finding love, because it will find you...when you're ready. God knows when we're ready.

"Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 5:3

Forgive, grow, love.
K

maybe I'm amazed...

"how wonderful life is..."

do any of us ever realize that? how wonderful our lives really are? I am one of the lucky ones. I really am. So before I start complaining and whining about miniscule annoyances, I will say this: my life is FABULOUS. I have fantastic friends, a wonderful, loving family, and a love and support that follows me and fills my soul with light...my Saviour Jesus Christ. I dream, live, breathe, laugh, love to the very fullest. artists are known for their passion; mine is performing. I am an artist, here to entertain, to learn, to give back. I do these things on a daily basis...I'm one of the lucky ones. I wish more people would realize that about their own lives...really take time to stop and think about how fortunate they are in life..yes, we all have hardships, some worse than others, some horrible tragedies. But we live, we move on. we realize that life could be a struggle...or a blessing. It depends on how you look at it. For me, it's one big blessing. The small stuff doesn't seem to matter in the big scheme of things.

"Turbulence is just harmless fun."

Choose joy.
K