I need a floatie.

I've never been a good swimmer. I always want a noodle, or a floatie of some sort. Especially in the ocean, which is big and unfamiliar and really, really... well, scary.

Life is kinda like that. Growing up is big and scary...We go into it by ourselves and unless we are freaking Michael Phelps... we can't do it alone. We swim around in an ocean of stress and school and bills and relationship problems and parents and sometimes, we just want to give up. We start to sink... we need support... we need floaties.

Sometimes you feel like you're drowning. This is one of those times.

God is my lifeguard right now, and I was stuck in the undertow, fighting Him all the way. I always do that. Last night was finally the breakdown I needed, where I just gave up, went limp, and let Him help me to safety. He gave me a floatie.

I'm giving it all to You Lord. I am trusting You like I know I should.

Why do I always think I have to do everything myself? Lately it's been overwhelming, hard to focus on anything, feeling out of control, too much, I can't handle it right now... And now, in the midst of my stress... there's an oasis. A refuge. A place to let go and say, "Thank you for helping me. I'm going to let you help me."

We do the best we can. With a little help from our friends... or a lot of help... whatever. That's what He's there for... to guide us, to forgive us, to love us. Let Him.

Now I feel supported, determined, able. It's amazing what a good cry and a prayer session will do.

Dori tells us, "Just keep swimming." That's what I'll do, but I won't forget that I have the best lifeguard ever, constantly swimming with me and wanting me to lean on Him for rest, refuge, support, etc.

God is everywhere and He wants your problems... give them up. He can handle it. Let Him be your floaties.

Swimming,

K

too soon

God took another one. He raised her and her father and sister up to Heaven for reasons we won't understand. Sometimes we don't always understand why things happen, but they do. We've lost two in our SMTI family in such a short period of time...it doesn't seem fair.

Bridget, baby- I know you've lost so many recently. But you have to know that God takes home people when they're supposed to go. Things happen and we can't find plausible reasons. As humans, we don't get it. Why Libby? Why Victorya? Why Alex? Why Rachel? One day we'll know why, and we'll rejoice with them. My heart is with you, I love you so much.

People die every day. But instead of thinking they die, I think they reach a glorious destination. And while we suffer our losses and cry jealous tears, we have to give them to God. They are absolutely ecstatic to be in the arms of Jesus and we'll join them when it's time.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

---Eskimo Proverb

Thinking of Rachel, Victorya, Papa, Mr. Richard, Libby, Alex, Grandaddy, Grandma: see you when I see you. Love you.

K

enough.

Some girls never know when enough is enough. I passed this girl the other day on the way to my class...now that's not to say I'm being all lesbian or whatever, I just noticed how tan her legs were, instantly got jealous, and had to look at the rest of her. She should have been beautiful. In her natural state, I'm sure she's gorgeous...but she just tried so dang hard. Her hair was so blonde it was almost white. Her skin looked like it belonged to a carribbean woman who works on the boat docks every day. And her size? Maybe a negative ten. When is enough really enough? We all suffer from insecurities, like, "Oh I'm too fat" or "I'm so bad at school," or "He won't like me because____." That is SAD. I constantly have friends telling me to love myself from who I am, and I want to pass along the message. There are too many girls that sit there and compare themselves to airbrushed pictures of Heidi Klum and it's just sickening. Tanning alone is the WORST. It's CANCEROUS yet we still lay in those little beach pods every day trying to be sun-kissed and gorgeous...in twenty years, our skin is gonna look like rubbery, wrinkly, cowhide...oh, and just the huge risk of skin cancer..no big. Is it enough yet? Throwing up all of our food because we aren't a size zero...the lining of our esophagus and throat..distroyed. Is it enough yet?

What about healthy, happy, fun, natural beauty? Do you really want to look as skanktastic as Meagan Fox? God made us as we are...and loves us as we are. One of my friends told me last year, when I was feeling really low, "You are the crown creation..." and she's right. God made women to be the most beautiful and precious thing on this planet. Let's agree with him.

The founder of Buddhism once said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Kudos, Prince Siddharta.

love me,

love you.

K

...oops.

Soooooo I'm dumb. I'm not deleting it because I feel that I was honest and raw, I said a lot of things about friendship that I was feeling at the moment. This blog was meant to serve as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when I cannot use performance as an outlet...I forget that anyone and everyone can see it. I want to correct something. The phrase "I want nothing to do with these people" or whatever I wrote in the heat of the moment is entirely NOT true. I love them. I care so much about them. Both of them. I will always love them and care for them as if nothing ever happened. I was angry, and what I really meant to say was, "I don't want anything to do with the HURT...the situation...or the drama....surrounding this group of people." Notice the subject in the sentence, "I'm dealing with a hurt centered around a group of people that I want absolutely nothing to do with" is HURT. not group of people. I say "group," I mean "two of the most loved and loving friends I have ever had." I am just so sick of the drama. Seriously, I think everyone is. But we're moving on, getting past whatever weirdness might be occurring. And it's okay. This can't last forever...we're better than that, I hope. People make mistakes. The real test of a friendship is whether or not it's worth it to try to repair it, to forgive...I love you both.

Lesson of the week: Don't blog when enraged. (DUMBEST IDEA EVER.)

Lesson of the day: Forgiveness equals love. On both sides.

Lesson of the year: Think before you act....ahem.

The previous post was also to address friendship in general...how some people just completely disregard one another and how hurtful that can be. Not just with my life and my situation, but the rudeness of the world in general. What kind of friend do you want? Why is it okay to hurt your friends? It's not, and it sucks...but you move past it, right? I guess I was not as articulate in my outpoor of frustration when I talked about the low quality of friends these days. What I truly failed to mention, however, is that I have some of the most incredible friends on the planet...those people know who they are.

I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you, Please forgive me, This is stupid

Meow.
K

P.S. Another tidbit.... Trust is key in good friendships. Let's get that back, shall we?

Like a Lily Allen Song

She really says it all, doesn't she? I wish I could say things like that...I think I'm too nice. I don't think I have ever been as furious as I was the other night. It overwhelmed me. Still trying to move past that, I guess.

I wish people could believe in people.
I wish people could trust people.
I wish friends knew how to be friends.
I wish life was as easy as a Lily Allen song, as if we all could say, "whatever" and move on.

But life isn't like that. When we get hurt, it stings for awhile. Even though we know we'll eventually submit to that incredible power of forgiveness and humble ourselves in the end, it stings. We ask ourselves, Why would this ever happen to me? Maybe its Karma. Maybe it's a lesson....I am a big believer in that whole saying, "Everything happens for a reason..." and I know that everything God gives you is either a blessing or a test. But which is it? A blessing or a test? What's the reason? I guess it's up to us to decide.

But for now, we try not to think about it, try to diffuse the ticking agitation bomb that pokes at the back of our psyche, until something can be resolved. We try to do the mature thing...or the right thing...or something, anything to move past this horrible awkward stage. I've hurt people before, and to those that I have hurt, I'm sorry. People have hurt me before, and to those that have hurt me, it's okay (or it will be...).

Why do people hurt each other?

I wish people would think before they act.
I wish people would stop hurting other people.

We can't be perfect. That's for sure. People screw up...stuff happens. It's not Leave It To Beaver...and It's not the end of the world.

I'm dealing with some hurt that centers around a certain group of people that I honestly want nothing to do with. We used to be a family. Now we're like this weird cess pool of drama and irritation. It seriously kills me to see our family fall apart.

But, unfortunately, sometimes relationships change for the worse. It just happens. It sucks, but it happens.

Still loving.

K

step.up.down.around.

I think its really interesting how people deal with their problems. I just wanted to breifly touch on how different individuals deal with things. Some people step up, overcome, or bounce back. Some people act like it's the end of the world and God is punishing them. Some people try to avoid it all together, pretend it'll go away by itself. What's the right thing to do? Is it too small of an issue to even bring up, so you let it build up inside you until you finally explode? Is it this mountain of a tragedy that you can't possibly grasp and so you have a nervous breakdown and everything is a soap opera? Do you accept whatever has happened, deal with it, move on, and continue your life? I hope the latter. I try to step up, not down or around. Of course, we all have those low points, crying in our closets or yeling at loved ones, but honestly, doesn't it always get better? Isn't life a gift, instead of something that happens to you? Small problems shouldn't be the end of the world. A bump in the road doesnt define you. A failure or a stumble doesn't make you who you are. Why can't people understand that? I mean, look at the people in Haiti. THEY are the brave ones here. These people have nothing, and their tryin to bounce back from a major disaster that has severly hurt their lives, taken people away from them, destroyed their homes. But look at the spirit out there...trying to overcome this MASSIVE obstacle. How amazing....some people will cry for hours over somethign so trivial, act like every little thing is this horrible occurence. It could always be worse. Always. I think everyone, at some point, will or has stepped up, down and around their problems. Low points are okay. We learn from them, from our mistakes. Without them, how would we have high points? But high points are the best. Think about where we're stepping....up....towards God? He LIFTS us there if we give our problems to Him. You know the song, "Raise me up?" I think about that song when I'm low. He does raise me up...higher than you can imagine. And eventually, He'll raise me to Heaven where there are no earthquakes or broken hearts, no deaths, no injuries, no failed tests or fights with friends....no pain....no low points.

Pray for yourself and for strength. Pray for others and for bravery. Pray for understanding, compassion, love, support. There's always hope in the arms of God.


Thank you, Lord, for every second of my life, even if a few of those precious moments are met with heartache, tears, or pain.

For those having a hard time today:
"Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the peak of the summit." -Dianne Westlake

K <3

peace and blessin's

The beach is so peaceful in the winter. When my dad first brought the idea up at dinner a few months ago, I smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be fun, Dad..." But I secretly thought, What are we ever going to do at the beach when it's that cold? Okay, whatever. After pondering it, I decided it woul dbe really nice to get away and just hang out with family, spend some quality time with the folks...you know. But actually, I've found myself adopting a whole new attitude on my upcoming semester...and life in general, I guess.

The beach is a place for relaxation, rejuvination, and reflection. That absolutely holds true in the winter...

I wake in the mornings around 10 a.m. and see no one on the beach. The sun blares on the snow-white sand just outside of my penthouse balcony but the weather man speaking in the background tells me that the temperature is barely touching 35 degrees. Burr. I tend to hide from cold weather, as I am one of those girls who lives for the sun's rays and warm, tropical weather... But something about the quiet beach, the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline...it's healing.

Yesterday morning, I joined my mother out on our giant balcony that overlooks the private beach. She was wrapped up in blankets, reading...listening to the waves and quiet marine powers. I looked down at the blinding sand seven stories beneath us and noticed a woman carrying something tiny, wrapped up in a pink cloth. I immediatly though, "Awww baby's first beach trip!" but I was mistaken. No sooner had she set foot on the sand than a small, yellowish puppy leapt out of the towel and onto the fresh fluff. He bounded around and barked loudly, clearly excited about his new discovery of land. This was a puppy that was barely a month old, if that...and he was loving every minute of his nature experience. I wish we could all be that excited about our experiences. To love every minute of something new, to really take in each moment and each day as if it were our first time discovering, breathing, living it to the very utmost joy we possibly could. I hope I can do that in the future, especially when something gets me down.

I encourage all families to take less-than exciting trips together. It really helps you grow closer...and you begin to appreciate the small stuff...like that tiny baby puppy who loves every minute of his life :)

Appreciating everything God has gladly given me.
K